Okay, so Hemsworth went extra delectable for this one. The leaned-out look suits him. Gone is baby-faced Thor– probably due to all the heavy cardio involved in constantly battling with Evans for the title of Most Delicious Chris. Now he’s all high cheekbones and regal carriage.
This story for this leaner, hotter Thor begins as such: INTERIOR – NIGHT– IDK THE LAIR OF THE DEMON WITH LEAST ON FLEEK EYEBROWS EVER. WHERE EVER IS IT, IT’S HARD TO SEE.
Thor is chained, caged and chatting it up with a skeleton. Fully dressed, though. That sort of costuming oversight is gonna cost someone an Oscar. But before I can complain, the plot and Thor’s chains quickly unfurl into an unsafe shibari scene with a chudwa demon.
Turns out, bondage makes Thor prone to cracking wise. Which puts me in two minds. 1. Look at Thor mature enough to laugh at himself. 2. Wah! I liked clueless but gracious Thor who gets reprimanded for bad behavior, listens to the complaint, smiles and does better next time.
After twirling around in chains because THANK YOU TAIKA WAITITI, Thor decides he’s done taking shit from a monobrow demon. Battles ensue. Thor swings his hammer. Thor sweats. I’m knee-deep in a lurid blacksmith AU featuring shirtless Thor trying to appease prissy noble Loki by the time the demon is dispatched and Asgard is saved. The demon boss may be ash and memories but lots of cockroach minions scurry on. Thor attempts escape via the Bifrost, but the Fight for 15 hasn’t gain momentum in Asgard yet. A temp worker is on the clock, but he’s more concerned with looking cool in front of his daughter’s friends.
Finally, after much Lisa Frank style special effects, Thor strides– appallingly dry– into Asgard, and interrupts an outdoor con featuring BNF’s doing Thor/Loki slashy cosplay. Look closely at these dudes’ faces; one of the best laughs of the movie.
Odin has apparently found the one convention food booth that serves healthy choices. He’s popping grapes and dwelling in a sweet, sweet anti-oxidant groove. OR IS HE?
He isn’t. Tis Loki. Not dead. A little sticky, a little purple-stained about the lips. Thor doesn’t really have time Loki’s grape-flavored bullshit. They mumble reluctant proclamations of brotherly love at each other, and after everyone is done being twitchy cheeked, they road trip to NYC to spring Odin from the old folks home.
Except the old folks home was another victim of medicare cuts and the ACA repeal. They argue swooningly before a homoerotic backdrop of chains and wrecking balls. Then Loki is kidnapped. But the ‘napper leaves a calling card where the kid once stood. Seems a needlessly complicated way to get Thor from point A to point B. But as a writer, I know transitions are the hardest part of writing.
Thor struts his stuff to the abode of Dr. Strange. After lots of pratfalls and special effects—all of which seemed indulgent of Marvel, but whatever, they spent a hundred million on this, I only spent 8.50–Boonyendourke Clumpsterclive gets Thor wicked drunk. Okay, I changed my mind. What a way to make the extraordinary seem personal! For, I too, after luring Thor to my place, would want to get him drunk and talk about Loki.
Anyway, Odin is in Norway. Which confirms my theory that Heimdall has been missing for the same reason the heroine’s cell phone goes dead in horror movies: the movie needs to be longer. Where did Bucky take off to after Insight? Let’s ask Heimdall. Is Loki truly dead or is he hanging in Monaco? Where’s Odin?
Thor and Loki find Pops staring at the sea, in a manfully, Baby Boomer who’s really into Hemmingway and being all manfully manful about his man-feelings. Pops spills about having another kid. A first-born daughter. Goddess of death. Gonna take over when I’m gone. Which is now. Odin bails.
Before tears can wet Thor’s face, Hela appears. She rocks a body suit so tight and lusciously slippery, it’s like she’s wearing an oil slick. Her hair, praise all that is Aveda, her hair. It’s like Morticia Addams decided she’s taking the fuck over. Thor, in a rather ungallant move, chucks the hammer at her face. Hela stops that shit cold. Crushes Thor’s hammer. Pieces of cascade onto the Norwegian meadows. Almost as though they were a metaphor for the end of a franchise. Pity the kid who tries to kick that rock.
Loki’s all “Feets don’t fail me now!” and calls for the bifrost to be opened. Which gets Hela to Asgard in a way more interesting (space-bending catfights) than Thor getting day drunk with Bommergottrung Cundlestruck.
Hela strides into Asgard like she owns the place. Which, you know, first born and all, she kinda does. She kills practically everyone, then later on raises the dead to be her scab army. I really hope Thor’s first acts as King of Asgard are to modernize Asgard’s labor laws, particularly worker’s rights.
Post-Bifrost tussle, Thor lands on a recycling center planet. Where he is netted, then implanted with a control device, then dragged by the hair by Scrapper 142.
Then strapped into a chair. Not the Winter Soldier’s chair. AND BUCKY WAS SHIRTLESS THEN, AHEM. Just a regular chair. Seems a missed opportunity for forniphilia. Guess no one here wants a set decoration Oscar either.
Thor is treated to exposition in the form of a 80’s stoner version of It’s A Small World. The whole planet has a gladiator fetish. The Grand Master is all about public play. Consent, not so much. Oh, and Loki’s there, been there a while ingratiating himself to the Grand Master. Uh huh. This is known as the scene that will launch a thousand fanfics.
Midway through my mental note to check AOL for Gast/Loki, the gladiator stuff gets going. Just a little unsafe razor foreplay, then bam! Thor all dolled up and forced to fight. Lots of luscious fighting and vulnerable men and heaving and shouting and rolling around in sand, Thor tries to calm Hulk with the AoU hand-caress/”sun’s getting real low” line. Works for me; Hulk not so much.
That Sakaar sun is blood red and going down. And Lord, I need to lay myself down. Afterwards, Thor and Hulk chill at Hulk’s studio apartment, which is decorated like an 80’s Hot Wheels commercial. Hulk eats Hubbard squashes and Thor plots escape. Turns out Scrapper 142 is a Valkyrie. Thor, Hulk, Valkyrie and Loki incite a rebellion, then get of out dodge via the Devil’s Anus.
They head back to Asgard. Rescue 4 or so citizens who bravely fight Hela’s hoards and her giant wolf. Spoiler: he doesn’t eat the sun. Those same brave citizens take fricking for.ev.er. to shuffle into the escape ship while Thor and Valkyrie hold off Hela and Loki steals the first demon’s calcified monobrow, and probably the Tesseract. Demon monobrow + eternal fire = Ragnarok. Sometimes you gotta destroy the whole world to keep a woman who is the rightful heir from claiming her due. Thor ends up with an eyepatch, and Lord, I have the vapors.
4 out of 5 squiggles.