Most of the time, I feel like I’m faking it.
As a parent, as an adult, as a writer, as a feminist, a liberal – Lord, I am faking it left and right. At what point am I ‘liberal enough’? When am I ‘feminist enough’? How do I know when I’m an actual grown up? I’m thirty-seven years old and I still don’t know half of what I need to know on a daily basis.
We are – both literally and figuratively – bombarded on a minute by minute basis with the message that we are not ‘enough’: good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, liberal enough, Pinterest-mom enough… So we fake it. Every. Damn. Minute. Of. Every. Damn. Day.
As a writer – an author – there’s a fine line between wanna-be and has-been – enough. I’m both. I was published – am published? – but I have no books for sale right now. Does that make a has-been? I’m still writing, still actively seeking publication, but I’m dragging my feet a little bit. I feel like once you’ve experienced rejection and failure, it’s a more ‘real’ possibility and it’s much more frightening.
It’s that kind of scary where it’s hard to focus. It’s easy to convince yourself that there are things needing doing that are equally or more important than writing. Sometimes those things are writing related. (Hey there, series bible I should have started during book one.) Sometimes I just convince myself they’re writing related (Hello, Pinterest vision boards) (and OMG wouldn’t I look cute with that haircut?) (Ooh, that Mexican Street Corn recipe looks amazing!)
Now I want Mexican Street Corn.
If I hadn’t pulled all my titles would I still feel like a has-been? Like I’m faking it? Is selling books I’m not getting paid for better than having no titles for sale? I have no idea. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like a has-been, but probably still like I’m faking it. I think we all experience a reluctance to call ourselves or think of ourselves as experts – or even as qualified to discuss a given subject or give advice on it- introverts maybe more so because it means people will look at us, look to us for information. There’s that constant nagging fear that we’ll do or say something wrong – and our brains equate the occasional mistake as being ‘not enough’. Thank you society.
So how do we know when we’ve made it?
I don’t know, but until I figure it out, I’m just gonna keep on faking it.