Welcome back to Feedback Friday!
Feedback Fridays is that wonderful time of the week when I read over your submissions and let you know what I think. It’s fun, I promise!
Want to participate? Look over the “Writing Prompts Wednesdays” posts and find something that speaks to you. Send it in to me, and maybe you’ll get featured!
Let’s get to this week’s submission!
Limerence: noun; The state of being infatuated with another
She couldn’t get them out of her head. Eliza woke with their name on her lips, the taste of them on her tongue. Some mornings they woke up curled around each other, a tapestry of limbs. But on the mornings that Nic went home the night(well, for certain values of night anyway. By the time all of the one last kisses took place, Eliza maintains that Nic would have gotten more sleep curled around her. Where they belonged.) before, Eliza spends the entire morning and most of the day wrapped up in thoughts of Nic. Eliza loves the look of their arms wrapped around each other. Nic has such beautiful skin. Dark and soft and smooth, and just a little bit ticklish when Eliza’s breath brushed over this one particular spot on their stomach. See, she’s doing it again. Instead of getting up and getting ready for work, she’s just lying in bed thinking about the way Nic moans when she flick their nipple with her tongue, and the way she arches into their mouth as they kiss a trail down to her clit. It’s not all libido fantasies either. During the monthly progress meeting the Caprese sandwiches that were delivered reminds Eliza of Nic’s basil plant, and the pesto pasta they made the first time they invited Eliza over for dinner. On the walk home, a little girl’s bouncing mass of curls reminds her of the way Nic’s afro bounces when they jog up the stairs to their 3rd floor apartment.
Wow! This is such an intense little portrait scene. I love all he intimate details that let us know about who Eliza and Nic are, and the devotion apparent in their relationship. I’m also a fan of avoiding the obvious or clichéd tropes when describing people. You’ve done a great job with it.
There are a few things going on here that makes it feel like a first draft. That parenthetical at the beginning is really rough. There are some grammar problems and switching from past to present tense. Additionally, I feel like this would benefit from some white space. It’s a little “wall o text” as it stands.
When writing a character who prefers they/them pronouns, be careful in your sentence structures so that the content scans without too much difficulty for your readers. Make sure each sentence is clear, and doesn’t rely too heavily on pronouns.
Let me try to re-write the last sentence for you.
“Eliza saw a little girl on her walk home, whose mass of black curls bounced just like Nic’s afro would as she followed Nic up to their third floor apartment.”
I’m honestly not sure if the apartment is Nic’s or if it’s one the two of them share.
I’d love to learn more about these two! They sound like a lot of fun and you did a great job of encapsulating the idea of limerence.
Keep up the great work!