Feedback Friday – Tope

I know you’ve all been waiting and it’s finally here; it’s time for Feedback Friday!

Feedback Fridays is that wonderful time of the week when I read over your submissions and let you know what I think. It’s fun, really! Well, at least I think it’s fun. You should all give it a try. How will you know whether or not you like it until you try it? Get going!

Want to participate? Look over the “Writing Prompts Wednesdays” posts and find something that speaks to you. It can be a piece of flash fiction, a scene or thought inspired by the prompt. You can use it to spark a simple exercise for your current WIP.

Send me up to 500 words at TickledInkBlog@gmail.com , and maybe you’ll get featured! We’re working hard to get these up every week so keep those submissions coming.

Let’s get to this week’s submission!

 

THE PROMPT:

Tope; verb – to drink alcohol to excess

 

THE PIECE:

 

“Come here,” I growled.

“I… I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he stammered, licking the sweat from his lip.

The air was thick with swamp water steamed off the marsh that formed with the high water of the rainy season. It coated everything in a slick, viscous film, making the rocks slippery, the trees sluggish, and the pale gingham of Garret’s shirt cling tightly to his belly.

“Why not?” I asked as I tugged at his hand.

“We’ve been drinking?” he offered unconvincingly.

I stifled my laughter behind a smile.

“Of course we have. It’s a party.”

I took a step closer to him, turning his hand up toward my mouth. They had been scrubbed vigorously for the party leaving his fingertips pink, while ghosts of dirt remained in the crease of his knuckles.

I kissed the back of his hand. The salty taste of him pressed so close to my mouth, I wanted to consume him.

“You’re married,” he said, the words bursting from his chest.

I looked off toward the towering fronds of reeds as they stood in silent vigil in a dense bulwark along the river, pretending to consider his new concern.

“That’s true. I am,” I answered. “Does that bother you? It doesn’t bother us.”

Garret looked anywhere but in my direction.

I stepped closer. Nothing but the dank heaviness in the air stood between us.

The band playing at the party we’d left just around the bend, finished their song and the sound of our friends and family, hollering and whistling their approval, seemed far away.

His eyes fell to our hands. I wasn’t sure if he was looking at my fingers locked in his, or the place on his hand I had kissed, but whatever the truth, it had him captivated.

“We should go back,” he said.

“Okay,” I said with a nod. “If that’s what you really want, we can go back.”

The words had barely left me before Garret’s free hand cupped the back of my head and his lips pressed desperately to mine.

 

THE FEEDBACK:

OMG This is so fun! And HOT. Dang. The tension is built up so deliciously. I love all the sensory details going on too. It makes everything feel very real and tactile, which underscores the sensuality of the scene.

It wasn’t indicated in the submission but I assume this is part of a larger piece? If it is flash fiction, there needs to be more fleshing out of the end. I hope it’s part of a larger project because I want to read it all! And perhaps rub it all over my body… That’s not weird, right?

I’m not sure if it’s intentional, but I love that the gender of the narrator isn’t revealed. It allows the reader to project on to the speaker. I suppose in a larger piece, the gender of the speaker would probably be revealed, but I like that in this excerpt, we’re not certain.

I also like that you didn’t seem to be overly tethered to the writing prompt. Sometimes it’s nice to just take an inspiration and run with it. These prompts don’t need to be faithfully adhered to, a jumping off point is all it takes!

Fantastic work overall. Keep it up!

-R/AC

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